How to Trust Your Husband
Trust is the foundation of any good relationship, but it is especially important in a marriage, which is (ideally) a lifelong commitment. Whether you are a newlywed hoping to get off to a good start or your marriage has recently become difficult, there are things you can do to get your relationship on the right track. With respect, hard work, and a patient approach, you can establish trust in your marriage for years to come.
Basics of Trust
Understand the importance of trust.Trust is so important to happy relationships because it's basically impossible to be truly happy with your partner if you don't have it. Consider the following:
- Without trust, you'll have reason to worry whenever your husband isn't around. Is he doing what he says he is or has he lied to you?
- Without trust, you can't be 100% sure that your husband is committed to you. Is he in this relationship for the long haul or is he just waiting until something better comes along?
- Without trust, you can't be positive that your husband will do his best to respect and care for you. Will he embarrass or demean you in front of other people?
Talk to him about your concerns.Communication is key for trust to develop in a relationship. You must be open about your feelings. If there's something that your husband is doing to shake your trust, tell him! He can't read your mind, so if you want him to make changes, you'll need to talk to him.
- Try to voice your concerns in a non-accusatory way. You don't want to put your husband on the defensive if you don't have to. Try taking an open, friendly tone. For example, you might open by saying, "Hey, I was wondering if we could talk about us for a few minutes." As you make your points, say how his actions make you feel rather than criticizing him personally.
- You don't just have to communicate only negative things to him — feel free to open up about how great he makes you feel as well.
Listen to him.Good communication is a two-way street. Listen to what your husband has to say and try your best to understand him. You don't always have to agree with him, but he does deserve your attention and respect, especially when you're discussing difficult topics.
- It's also important toshowyour husband that you're listening. Maintain good eye contact and nod your head every once in a while. Occasionally, repeat back a point he's just made.
Respect his privacy.Let the new trust in your relationship begin with you. A basic way to establish trust is to give him plenty of personal privacy (and expect that he gives you the same). This means not looking through his phone, mail, email or social media accounts. It also means not constantly calling him when he's out to see what he's doing or demanding explanations of what he's done. These kinds of actions feed your own insecurity and won't do anything to change what he is doing.
- However, this doesn't mean that you should turn a blind eye to evidence of bad behavior. Obvious warning signs — mysterious texts that cause him to cancel your dinner plans with no explanation, for instance — warrant investigation.
Be open about your expectations.It's important to lay down reasonable expectations for each spouse as early in the relationship as possible. This way, if someone behaves badly, you can clearly point out exactly how your trust has been betrayed. This is especially important if your expectations of your partner differ significantly from the "norm" (i.e., he should not cheat on you, flirt with other people, and so on). It is crucial if you have shared responsibilities (like child care).
- If you haven't already, have an honest discussion with your partner that outlines your expectations for each other. Be prepared to speak up about things in your relationship that aren't working, but make the conversation about what you feel, rather than what you suspect he is doing. For example, you might say, "When you're always late home, I feel as though I'm not important to you." Approaching it this way gives him the opportunity to see how you're affected without being accused, which may lead to confrontation.
Trusting After You've Been Betrayed
Clearly explain to him how he has betrayed your trust.Your first objective after a betrayal is to think about how you will communicate to your husband that he has shaken your trust. Here, as above, you'll want to focus on how his actions made youfeelrather than making personal attacks. However, since in this case he has deliberately done something to hurt you, you don't need to stay perfectly calm. It's only reasonable to get emotional — especially if he has done something truly disrespectful.
- For example, you might start the conversation by saying something like this: "We need to talk. I don't like that you've been lying about where you've been. If I can't trust you, we're going to have problems." You're making it clear that you're upset, but you're not completely allowing your emotions to run wild.
Give him opportunities to re-earn trust after losing it.Betrayals of trust can range from relatively minor (lying so he can hang out with friends, forgetting romantic commitments, etc.) to major (infidelity, humiliating you in front of others, etc.) It's up to you to judge how badly your husband's trust-destroying behavior has damaged your relationship. However, as long as you stay together after the problem behavior, you should give your husband a reasonable chance to earn your trust again.
- Try to make the punishment fit the crime here. For instance, if you catch your husband sending flirty texts to a co-worker but he swears he hasn't done anything else (and you believe him), it's reasonable to avoid intimacy (sex, cuddling, affection, etc.) until you're sure that he's not interested in anyone else.
Seek counseling.If you can't figure things out on your own but preserving your marriage is important to you, don't be afraid to seek the assistance of a professional. A counselor or couples therapist can help you repair the root issues that are affecting your ability to trust each other as spouses.
- Seeing these sorts of professionals isn't something to be ashamed of. Many couples get professional help for a wide variety of marital issues. The fact that you're willing to get help when it's needed is something to be proud of, even if it's not the sort of thing you'd volunteer as casual dinner conversation.
Consider ending the relationship if you can't trust him.As mentioned at the beginning of this article, having a happy relationship is more or less impossible without trust. If your husband has done something to prevent you from ever trusting him again or if he has refused to change after repeated betrayals, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. Breaking up is hard to do — especially when you're married — but the alternative of living with a spouse you don't trust is never a good idea
QuestionI caught my husband watching too much porn, and I want to withdraw because I'm worried he is comparing me to the girls in those movies. Should I be willing to have more intimacy instead?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerThanks!
QuestionI get extremely anxious, especially when it comes to my husband. I feel so vulnerable with him and it's terrifying. I don't know what to do.wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerYou should be able to be vulnerable with your husband; he's your partner. It sounds like you may have experienced some real trauma, and may benefit from therapy.Thanks!
QuestionMy husband is a friendly person, but sometimes it seems like he's flirting so whenever he's talking to a woman I get angry and I don't trust him at all. What should I do?Top AnswererYou can't lock him up, nor follow him 24/7. There are only two options: 1) trust him 2) live a single life. You have to trust him. Trust yourself that you will not accept infidelity and, as soon as you ever have positive proof of his infidelity, you will not sit idly but take action to satisfy yourself. That action can be divorce or resolution of the conflict. Until then, you can't spend the energy of worrying, because that will be felt in the relationship, which will deteriorate. If you can't let go of your doubt, let go of this and any other men and stay single forever.Thanks!
QuestionI love my husband, he is so kind and friendly; however, I caught him on Facebook sending his pic to other girls. Now I don't trust him anymore, what should I do?Top AnswererTrust takes ages to grow, yet is destroyed in an instant. But before it gets to that, you need to make sure you're sure what's going on. If he says he's sorry and if he quits cheating, it will still take, what, three years of him not cheating before you can see proof that your trust was worth it? If he says, "I won't cheat again" and tomorrow says, "See, I didn't cheat", that doesn't mean much. Do you want to spend three years just to find out if you can trust him?Thanks!
QuestionI love my husband, but I'm too paranoid about him. I don't know how to hold myself and I can't follow him wherever he's going. He's a cool guy, but since he once cheated on me I always think that he's cheating again. How can I deal with this?wikiHow ContributorCommunity AnswerSeek out counseling for the both of you, you could just be paranoid.Thanks!
- You are both still separate individuals who deserve and require personal space and privacy. Giving him this space will lower your anxiety of his actions because he will be more willing to answer any questions or divulge information without being asked. His anxiety will lower and so will yours.
- Listening to and validating your husbands feelings and perspectives will help him gain trust in you. He will be more likely to listen and understand your feelings, and be willing to express his more frequently.
Video: How to Share and Trust Your Spouse
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